it's the holidays and everyone's coming home everyone's coming home coming home coming home

the harvest - i just feel like posting this today

i started as a seed in the hole in the ground in my head

you came after me we eloped without a sound we rushed it

now i'm all limbs all hands all eyes all feeling

you say i'm all heart like it's a bad thing

made my way as a sprout from the seed in the hole in the ground

you say when i came out i wasn't me i was bold i was proud

now i'm all fists all mouth all talk all aching

tell me i'm all heart like it's a bad thing

we all need to grow

i became a stalk from the sprout from the seed in the hole

i would lay and talk take it down let's see what i know

i know i'm all mind lacking logic full of panic no strings

they say i'm all heart like it's a bad thing

i became a flower from the stalk from the sprout from the seed

became afraid that our love would walk right out on me

i know you're all mine full of logic now i panic cause the strings

pull on my heart like they're attacking

we all need to grow

beauty comes from ordinary soil so why don't we see it?

when our hearts have gone.

just because

there once was love

don't mean a thing

don't mean a thing

for micah.

I saw a great movie tonight -- District 9. For those of you who haven't seen it, check it out. The first hour is mindless violence, but if you can get through that, you'll find your mind blasted open, in the best way possible. Go, do yourself a favor and gain some awareness.

I thought I'd write about the lessons learned from the movie -- but I'm still so awestruck that I can't properly formulate coherent sentences. Instead, I leave you with a poem I wrote about six months ago. Micah and I had a beautiful, fun-filled day today, leaving him desperately in need of a bath, which reminded me of this one particular bathtime...

Namaste.

----------------------

for micah.

with just a little coaxing, i stripped you of your armor - cast off my own, and knelt before you, trembling, naked/
it scared me to let you see me this vulnerable.

for i am your protector, your warrior mother who bakes you cookies in the lazy afternoon and thrashes in the sheets/cold sweats & dreams about you in the night.

i would do anything
for you

to love me.

like a submarine, i acquiesced to the water's plea "just let me hold you one more time" - along the same lines of how i always give you an extra squeeze before you leave, just in case.

your inquiring eyes burn holes in mine as you carefully wrap your little hands around cups of blue, green, purple. your chubby baby fingers meticulously orchestrate the foundations of architecture that will save the world - or my soul, at the very least.

stacking squares, you place your art in my hands, inviting me to join in on your exploration of creative potentiality. the steam rises from the bathwater, forming droplets of water on my face, hiding the otherwise undeniable fact that you've moved me to tears with your innocent faith.

later, on a walk in the crisp autumn air, i recall comparing prune fingers as i towel dried your hair. you sank into me like a dream, and i contemplated what it would be like to stop time and keep you at sweet, tender three. you still let me kiss you in public, and you'll never grow tired of sitting in my lap, playing with my hair and blowing raspberries into my neck.

i know you're growing older. i feel your baby body slip away into the bedsheets and emerge in the morning with the hardened musculature of a playful child. your eyes have changed the way they look upon the world. your mouth has altered its former fifteen word vocabulary to spit out imitated jargon, gathered and stored away when i'm not looking or listening.

and now, as i close the day and make my plans for later, i'll drag myself up the stairs where you sleep fitfully, waiting for me to join you in sifting through dreams, selecting fractals of reality from which we weave tangible patterns in the star-studded night, to realize upon waking in the morning.

arboreal locomotion, vol.1

cause the words that i'm saying/don't register on your face, and --

--------------------------

if you were for me/i'd be sleeping at your house

and if you were for me/there would not be any doubt

that you were for me

things change. seasons, people, emotions, surroundings.

open/close. doors, minds, hearts.

thank you for all that i've learned from you and from being with you. please just go.

hiding place

strawberry lips

sink teeth deep into me

whispering secrets into moss covered hiding places

where velvet springs forth from innocent spaces

to allure me down

down

down

further down, still.

to a place where grass plays with my bare feet,

where i didn't know the dew would ever taste so sweet and

god,

i think i could die

here.

leave my legacy on your lashes,

bruises on your branches

still green from the springtime, my careless mind said you'd still be mine

but i could see the lights from the no-vacancy sign

that you hung in your eyes while my heart hung to dry

like a secret, kept in cotton mouths.

slowly drying out.

while the lazy sun turns everything to dusty caramel --

uncomfortable.

i.

bake bricks. make dreams.

wait impatiently for the rain to wash the silent crimson stains

that scream your name

so loud.

let it go, let it be

maybe when i die/i get to be a car

driving in the night/lighting up the dark

ever feel like you just learned a world's worth of experience in a small timespan?

i know i'm not alone in feeling this. i mean, i know you feel it too -- but what about everyone else? i want to hope that all of you arrive here at some point - with all the pain, beauty, realization, knowledge, consciousness that i've found each moment to be full of.

every second of your life holds so much weight, so much knowledge to impart, so much LIFE. and the roots of life itself, in the truest sense of the word.

are you living your life fully? reaching out, touching, feeling, experiencing, loving, uplifting, expanding, being everything there is? and if not, what would your life look like, if you were? can you give yourself permission to grow in all directions, even if only just for this second?

they say love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another - and i want you to know that i see you the way i've always seen you. a vast ocean resides behind your eyes; and i've been struggling to keep my head above water since you first opened those oscillating orbs - or, at least since the oscular storm of two weeks past when you pelted soft tongue throaty words that hung in my mouth like sunset, caught between my teeth until morning. it's hard to not want to just dive in, without caring if i drown or drift to safety.

but i'll tread water, here. maybe i'll even jump out for awhile. perhaps i need to dry off, because i've been wet since i met you, and while not necessarily a bad thing, it prevents me from thinking clearly.

so, i'll just say i'll see you when i see you. and i'll always see you the way i always do, because you're the brightest light i know; i still see you with my eyes closed.

i know you hate the word faith but

drive all night

to get to a place where you can be quiet now

set your sights on a better way

shut my eyes

to get to a space where you can be mine somehow

but not this time, you've never never been one to stay around

but if you have a little faith in me

if you have a little faith, yeah

tiny lights

guide your way along the horizon now

you're getting tired of always doing all the driving

but what if we tried

what if all this time i was right somehow

bide my time, bite my tongue until you come around

but if you have a little faith in me

if you have a little faith, yeah

and many breaths have passed since we last kissed and

many suns have set many moons have risen 

stars have fallen hearts have broken

and i'm a lot stronger

and i'm a lot stronger

and i've never been one for giving in

say yes.

i want to say i hate this but it’s such a weak word 

and these feelings are so much stronger than the need to be concerned

with my own aversion for the situation and the way we’ve been relating 

and coexisting/fishing for what we’re missing 

in the mouths of nameless strangers

create diversions to mask uncertainty

what was once so fully worth it to me is undeserving of me

and honestly, it’s hurting me

cause jars and jars of promises sit unopened/unattended

i wish i’d known your love was bound be so open ended 

and that you’d let me let my guard down when you knew you couldn’t defend it

and all the time we spent together you were really just pretending

that someday i’d be the one you want we’d grow into each other

physically tall/emotionally small,you were looking for a mother

but i’ve got a little boy and he’s more grown than you’re capable

and the fact that you broke his heart isn’t only unforgivable it’s hateful

and despicable and evil and i don’t care about me Joe 

but when you tell him that you love him you’ve got to be for real

you’ve got to be accountable and honorable and honest and FAITHFUL

because i won’t be with a man who’s any less than what i’m able

to admire and be inspired by he’ll open my heart and open my mind’s eye 

and he won’t be defined by my presence in his life

or seek to leave his mark on me - 

unless expanding exponentially

the horizons of my mind or the ocean of my capacity

to love another person despite the circumstances 

and not only because i’m a hopeless romantic

but it’s gonna be so fucking real that i can’t even stand it

and not because he buys me things then thinks he can command it

but it will flow from a wellspring that’s never ever ending

and we’ll tell each other truths and god, that’s so refreshing

and i’ll rest easier at night knowing someone really gets me

because i’ve been waiting for so long and now i’m finally ready

and i hope you’re hungry enough to eat every last lie

and please don’t talk with your mouth full, it’s really impolite

you’ll be okay, don’t beg me to stay, you know i have to leave

i have to get out because i can barely breathe

and despite all we’ve been through, you still don’t even see

that saying no to you means saying yes to me.

but darling, i've never been more sure/you're the choice i made before i knew what all the other choices were.

like tiny air bubbles slowly rising from the bottom of a glass, i feel this excitement spreading throughout my entire body - rapidly reaching millions of tiny fingertips, extending even beyond my insides, out into the ether.

i know that everything is going to be okay.

more than okay. great, even. perfect.

suddenly, even breathing is a joy. i'm so grateful to be alive, living this experience of what it's like to be in this body, with this mind and this heart. and words cannot express how thankful i am to know YOU - with your unique mind and your big heart. thank you for being here.

your presence lets me know that i am not alone. that i must have done/am doing something right. that we're all in this together, and it doesn't have to be such a struggle. when we stop resisting, when we submit, we follow the natural ebb and flow, and drift to safety. when we struggle, we're dozens of times more likely to be pulled under.

what and where are you resisting in your life? can you let it go, even if only for a moment? try it on for size - i bet you'll like it.

the past four days, i've been teaching myself to relax, to be at peace with doing nothing. i've realized the value of doing "nothing" - and will now create space for "nothing" one day a week. i've realized the importance of being kind to myself, and that i don't need to feel guilty for taking some time off for myself. i smile more, laugh more, think more, do more (when i go back to doing "something"), love more -- LIVE MORE. and then i can give more.

wherever you are, whatever you're doing - stop. just take a minute to breathe a few breaths and experience the wonder of your life. if things are going too fast, this is an incredible way to slow them down. if things aren't going fast enough, this is a way to get in touch with yourself, to connect with the consciousness that will manifest your wildest dreams and beyond.

know that you are never alone, and that what you are looking for will most certainly find you when you're ready.

je t'aime avec tous mon coeur. namaste.

on hope.

sadness is nothing more than the cost of being able to smile once in awhile.

and it's calm under the waves/in the blue of my oblivion

waking up in a new city.

this morning i took ten deep breaths, and i still could not get quite enough of the air to feel satiated. the oxygen is different here. thick, moist, nourishing. i'm feeding my soul when i breathe, it would seem.

as i rolled over and opened my eyes, i ran my tongue over my lips and was greeted warmly by a soft salt sting; an indelible mark that the ocean leaves on both old friends and new lovers alike.

victoria feels like coming home.

i'm not quite sure what to write about this morning - i've been afforded the luxury of six or eight hours of mindblowing, stimulating conversation and i feel spent. in the best way possible.

i think that when you have expectations of things or people, it really closes the door for a lot of magic to happen. when we let go of our preconceived notions or our tendencies to judge/categorize people and put them in little boxes, so we feel comfortable in relation to them -- we not only give people the opportunity to pleasantly surprise us, but we also increase the potential for real, solid connection. getting to know someone at the soul level. creating safe space for people to be just who they really are - when we live frenetically, love unapologetically, we are a bright shining star, a beacon, calling people home.

i fall in love with people daily. i see the beauty, the inherent good in everyone - and i am ever so grateful for those who live with their minds open, and their hearts not only on their sleeves, but in their outstretched hands, offering some to anyone and everyone that might need a little more love. thank you.

i see the god in you.

namaste.

on becoming an alchemist

the irony of commitment is that it is deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. the act frees you from the tyranny of your inner critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. to commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

sunday afternoon.

www.zeitgeistmovie.com

I watched the first Zeitgeist movie last night, with a good friend. Although obviously designed to trigger our fear impulses, this film was very informative and eye-opening. 

This will change your life - especially the last ten minutes.

I haven't seen the second one - I'm going to watch it tonight, provided I get enough homework done.

I'm going to enjoy a really good coffee with a new friend -- if you happen to be a coffee drinker, do a little (or a lot) background check on where your coffee comes from, how it is obtained, etc. Fair-trade, organic practices are far better than standard fare - and there are more than a few places you can get this type of coffee in Saskatoon. Shops like Caffe Sola (100% organic/f.t.) and Museo (while not 100%, they always have an organic option) are present, and there are a number of stores where you can buy your own beans or grind to make stovetop espresso or drip, or if you're extra lucky, awesome coffee out of a great espresso machine.

Awareness begins at home -- and change begins with you. Do the right thing.

Love and happiness,

kx

there's no way to temper your thirst/with lasting impressions or pictures of home/there's no way to grow that don't hurt

Sometimes the universe hands you really nice people as gifts and you just have to make a mention of how much you appreciate it, and them.

I am very grateful for all of my friends (and you know who you are -- chances are, if you're reading this, I'm very blessed to know you), and even for those people who may not really be friends, but moreso red flags or triggers in my own life, for me to recognize the things in myself that need addressing. Maybe especially for those people. You know, it's such a special gift and precious opportunity when someone literally STOMPS on your last nerve -- take a breath, and recognize your tendency to want to shift responsibility for your experience onto someone else...then retract your tendency, and hardwire your subconscious mind for a NEW experience, a healthy habit. Consciously make the choice to contemplate just what it is that irritates you so much, and why you're so afraid this quality may be latent in yourself. 

You are who you are because you are who you are, and you are where you are (spiritually speaking) because you're where you are. If you were meant to be someone/somewhere else, you would be. You are at the precise, most perfect place to learn what you are here to learn from your life, and the lives of those around you. We are in perfect harmony, teaching and learning from each other simultaneously. It is divinely inspired, magnificently designed -- THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS.

Of course, there are times when you can really appreciate the lovely, nice things people are doing for you, too. I've had the good fortune of meeting a new friend that appreciates good, honest, deep conversation and has the patience to teach me a thing or two about yardwork/lawnmowers that have been sitting in a greenhouse all winter. Thank you.

Having an attitude of gratitude makes space for more good things to happen in your life. Be thankful for what you have, and know that what you sow is truly what you reap, so be open-hearted, open-minded, and generous with all the love you have to offer. It will multiply and return to you, more powerful and beautiful than you can imagine. Don't be afraid. Offer it up.

Here's mine, for you - highest blessings for you and yours, wherever you find yourself today, or any days. Know that I am with you, and you are never alone. 

Namaste (the light in me sees the light in you and recognizes the oneness and unity of all),

kx

ON TEACHERS AND TEACHING.

"It is relatively easy to be a teacher of an academic subject, but to be a teacher in art is very difficult, and to be a yoga teacher is the hardest of all, because yoga teachers have to be their own critics and correct their own practice. The art of yoga is entirely subjective and practical. Yoga teachers have to know the entire functioning of the body; they have to know the behaviour of the people that come to them and how to react and be ready to help, to protect and safeguard their pupils.

The requisites of a teacher are many, but I would like to give a few words for you all to catch, understand and work on. Later you can discover many more. The teacher should be clear, clever, confident, challenging, caring, cautious, constructive, courageous, comprehending, creative, completely devoted and dedicated to knowing the subject, considerate, conscientious, critical, committed, cheerful, chaste and calm. Teachers must be strong and positive in their approach. They must be affirmative to create confidence in the pupils, and negative within themselves so that they can reflect critically on their own practice and attitudes. Teachers must always be learning. They will learn from their pupils and must have the humility to tell them that they are still learning their art."

-- B.K.S. Iyengar  "The Tree of Yoga"

**********************************************************

I have come to a point in my life where I must take a bit of a break from teaching, and FULLY climb back into the student's seat in order to further my own spiritual practice. If you've been reading up to this point, you will see that my old blog has been deleted, to make space for new. Following advice from a good friend and teacher in my own life, I'm revamping the new space; the previous blog was mere "fluff" that wasn't really serving to uplift anyone, or even myself. It is not serving anyone's highest purpose to read random ramblings about things that don't really matter -- mine, least of all. And being that I'm in a position to be somewhat responsible for the spiritual evolution of certain individuals who have placed themselves in my care, I intend to be more accountable and less reckless with my thoughts and words.

I will resume yoga classes in the fall -- I hope you come out to them. Have a beautiful summer, and we'll reconvene in September, bright, shining and rejuvenated.  This blog will continue, if you wish to continue following along, and even if you don't. Highest blessings of happiness and health for you!

All the love in the world, and namaste for miles,

kx