megalopolis

if you see me, keep on walking

don't plead, please, you're too good at talking

but your words don't hold weight, they're just the things you say when

you're looking for entertainment

if you hear this, turn it low

don't try to resist, just go

i don't believe it but i know

she's getting in the way

you're never one to stay

home

i don't reach for you when i wake anymore

i can't breathe for you, these lungs are so sore

and i won't bleed for you, that's what your veins are for

she's more

suited than i am

she'll make you a better man

so go

home

it seems funny to me that i wrote this about someone hurting me, and that i managed to hurt someone/destroy a close friendship in the process of moving on from that pain. argh, people - why aren't we less ignorant and more careful?

you'll probably never see this, but just in case you do -- i'm so sorry i wasn't more careful. i'm sorry i was so naive. i'm sorry i couldn't be who you wanted me to be, for you. and i'm really sorry because our band would have been incredible. thank you for your contributions to my life - i wouldn't be the same without knowing you.

sleep is, indeed, for the weak

because that's precisely where no sleep gets you! And, as I've recently come to find out, no time to rest or relax has basically the same effect.

I desperately wanted so many things for my children. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, growing up well-adjusted and intelligent and considerate and polite and the list just goes on... I am realizing, rather sadly, that Nevaeh is too much of a pompous douche to allow for any of what I'd hoped. What a fucking jerk.

I've been trying to put Nevaeh on a "gentle" sleep schedule - one that does not involve leaving your baby to "cry it out," as I've never been a fan of any sleep trainer using that method. BUT SERIOUSLY?! Tomorrow, tomorrow (I always say tomorrow). But tomorrow, Nevaeh is going to start crying it out at naptime. If she doesn't show marked improvement in 5 days, fuck it, we'll try another way - but something's gotta give here.

It's 3:17pm. I haven't been able to shower, brush my teeth, or do much of anything other than take care of a cranky baby who refuses to nap. Now, this is fairly commonplace when one has a young baby...but Nevaeh is five months old!! You'd think I'd be allowed some semblance of my life back at this point -- even merely the basic NECESSITIES, for goodness' sake!

Okay life - I am all up for grabbing you by the horns, and, dammit, ENJOYING you before I keel over in utter exhaustion and dissatisfaction from mothering this demanding, bratty, all-too-intelligently-manipulative child. Maybe I just need a nanny and two bottles of wine.

everything is looking up up up

man, i can't get enough of being a mother lately. i barely remember feeling like i was falling apart - and that was only last week!

thanks, nevaeh, for being awesome and cheering up and sleeping a little sometimes, yeah? and micah for endless enthusiasm and reminding me to just relax, take it slow, and to always make time to be silly.

et fin.

autYUMn.

baby is cutely making gurgles and squeals beside me and i am

oh

so much

better.

i am the proud owner of a new bike! well, an old bike, but new to me - just in time, before the leaves lose all their crunch and the streets are too slick for cycling..! many thanks to my lover, for working two extra hours so i could purchase said bicycle.

baby's cute sounds are quickly giving way to impatient moans + groans, telling me i'd better wrap this up. argh.

i just wanted to say how much i love autumn. the air gets all crisp and fresh, no one wants iced coffees except crazy people, and pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin -- you can wear scarves and toques and mittens with no coats and it's kind of fun to kiss with cold noses!

this winter, i WILL perfect my hot chocolate recipe...i think all it needs is a bit of liquor, a fireplace and some good company. interested?

x.

when i get up

so do you,

oh.

colour moving and still

Autumn is my favourite season - the wind trades breezy for brisk, the leaves shed their green skins in favour of flame-tipped ones, and the scarves and mittens that spent the summer tucked away in a closet somewhere can finally come out to frolic. I wish I had a bike, or that some jerk hadn't stolen my old one, because there's nearly nothing more lovely than listening to the leaves crunch underneath your tires as the wind ruffles your hair, and rosy-reddens your cheeks and nose.

For whatever reason, I haven't been enjoying autumn as much as I usually do. I've been fighting off panic attacks for about a week now - they begin with a sensation of my throat closing off, and ramp up from there. I'm not sure what's bringing them on, but maybe it's a sign that I need to slow down. Calm down. Relax.

Obviously more easily said than done, with a four month old and five year old underfoot...but I should really make an effort to be more present. I could stand to play more, without worrying about the dishes left dirty in the sink, or the box that still needs to be unpacked. I guess I could cut myself some slack.

I think this pregnancy/birth/motherhood thing has thrown me for much more of a loop than the first time around. I'm having a hard time feeling like myself these days. I don't identify with any of my belongings, and looking in the mirror always leaves me feeling...strange. I feel like I don't recognize the person standing before me, and not just because I've cut off my hair and I regret it, or because I don't like any of my clothes - and it's not even because I feel insecure about my postpartum body - I just don't know who that is anymore. What is "me?" What is "me" other than mum/wife/butreallymostlymumcausedoievenhavetimetobeawife? I just feel so empty, so depleted, and not sure how to fill the tank, or at what cost.

I see all these other mums everywhere, seemingly having a great time with their happy, easygoing babies that love to nurse and sleep. I am envious. I am starving for that feeling. But that's a hunger never to be sated - two children that have refused to nurse, what's wrong? What's wrong with me? I can't stop feeling guilty of failure - except when I'm pretending I'm fine.

Maybe I'm just shedding my own "green skin" -- in favour of donning a more mature, sunset-hued, age appropriate dress (I am 25 now, after all).

there's no way to temper your thirst/with lasting impressions or pictures of home/there's no way to grow that don't hurt

struggle, struggle, struggle - grow.

i feel like a plant that's furiously trying to shrink back into its seedpod. the goosebumps don't go - it's too cold.

i love everything about autumn except living in a condo that doesn't have a functional heater. thank god we're moving soon.

it was time to bring the plants in last night...seems silly to give them designated spaces when we're just going to be packing up in a few days. then again, seems unfair to lump them all in a corner...plants have feelings, too.

down memory lane...

i recently found an old journal of mine from right before and right after micah was born - just before i got too busy to keep up with it. i've been playing guitar when i can find the time, and i remembered a song i wrote for micah when i was 19, a few months prior to the day he made his way into our world. as he gazes lovingly across the table at me while he eats his breakfast, i'm filled up with this weighty, heady buzz - so thankful he chose me to be his mother. what a great little guy.

lullaby (micah's song)

i'm not a very good baker

and i won't make a very good mother

funny how these things turn out

funny how life turns you out

and i was never a very good actor

and yes i worry

if you will find me attractive

and i wonder have i lived my life to be everything

that your perfection deserves to find in me

la la la la la la la lullaby

la la la la la

and i wonder if i am good enough

and i wonder will you know that you were loved

i've always been just a little too selfish

and now i wonder can i find myself selfless

i find i worry that i'm not fine by you

i find as time goes

i'm defined by you

la la la la la la la lullaby

la la la la la

and i wonder if i am good enough

and i wonder will you know that you were loved

never doubt that you are love

never doubt that you are love

never doubt, never doubt, never never never never never never never never

never doubt, never doubt what you are

wide awake and.

Big dreams on no sleep.

The definition of "big dreams" has changed many times in my life, but now it seems to apply best to things like taking a shower, having a nap, eating a meal before it gets cold... Sex? Yeah, right. Maybe when I can find the time to shave my legs! Maybe when the baby's 18 and out of the house. Maybe.

But really? I've never been good at taking breaks. Relaxing. Doing nothing. So now when things are at a snail's pace, I'm learning how to take it slow. And I'm finding that I really enjoy it. It's much easier to be present for each moment and its many subtle nuances this way.

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Nevaeh will be four weeks on Thursday, and Micah will be five years old in August. Where has the time gone? This realization makes me feel like I'm choking, gasping for air, trying to stop time that's elusively slipping through my fingers as I'm clutching my children to my chest. Oddly enough, I don't feel like I'm personally aging - just like my babies are growing up. September brings a quarter of a century for me...and I just feel proud to have made such a solid foundation for a good life by 25. I probably still learn my lessons just as messily, but now there are two of us to clean it all up.

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It turns out Nevaeh is hating on something in my diet - first to go, anything in the realm of dairy. I'm not heartbroken over the absence of milk (though I was enjoying the organic stuff we'd been purchasing for the last little while), but cheese? Yogurt? Not to mention FROZEN YOGURT?! And what about the whey protein shake I've been consuming nearly every morning for the past three or four years? Dammit. I despise vegan proteins. The taste, the texture...ugh.

So I ate some turkey.

And then I ate some more.

And I liked it.

There goes seven years of vegetarianism. Not that I intend to flood my diet with animal flesh - no. But every once in awhile, I think I'd like to eat some fish or white meat that has been sourced locally, or under the best possible conditions. I still don't agree with the idea that something has had to die in order for me to consume it, so it's strange to eat and feel conflicted... perhaps once I'm done breastfeeding I'll go back to total vegetarianism, but right now I'm more starving than I've ever been in my entire life. Animal protein fills me up the way nothing else seems to. And I'm okay with that.

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Body body body body body - my belly has fallen right off and my breasts have exploded. I miss having smallish boobs; none of my favourite dresses fit properly. Damn damn damn. But I love breastfeeding. I love the way she looks at me when we're connected like that. So I guess I can postpone donning the dresses I was looking so forward to wearing this summer. At least I can fit into my old jeans no problemo!

The absence of belly (so soon!) results in mixed feelings for Mama. Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy she's out! It's just so strange to feel my belly and meet emptiness. Not even muscles - it's another two weeks before I'm "allowed" to work out even gently... I'm looking forward to rebuilding my core - my posture sucks and carrying the baby around all day is sure to lead to an early death. Of my spine, at least.

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Micah's bedtime. See ya!

come into the light.

but morning finds you still warm and breathing/

with the best of intentions, i started this a few days ago. and promptly left it on the back burner.

"it's been some time.

it seems funny that i should choose now to begin upkeep of this blog. now, when i'm sure to be much more of a busy bee than before.

one week ago, minus two hours and a few measly minutes, i gave birth (in four hours, at home in a birthing pool) to the most magical, delightful little being. luck and love have graced me with not one, but TWO beautiful children (in addition to the insanely awesome love of my life husband i've managed to wrangle in the meantime) - even in the wee hours of the morning, bleary eyed and neverbeensoexhaustedinmylifeohmygod!, i find myself smiling. life is so sweet."

and full! when i haven't got my arms heart brain full i'm trying to get my mouth full, or empty and clean, along with the rest of me. my husband is a lifesaver - he entertains my incessantly inquisitive four-year-old, has mastered the art of protein shakes just the way i like them, makes patient attempts to connect with an infant who's seemingly only got eyes for her mother's breasts (tough competition), and still makes time to kiss me so that time stops earth moves heart aches because all is full of love.

so, i hope i can manage to consistently blog about my adventures, but if i'm not back as often as you'd like, please don't hesitate to contact me in real life - i live much better over there than on the internet. xo!