Autumn is my favourite season - the wind trades breezy for brisk, the leaves shed their green skins in favour of flame-tipped ones, and the scarves and mittens that spent the summer tucked away in a closet somewhere can finally come out to frolic. I wish I had a bike, or that some jerk hadn't stolen my old one, because there's nearly nothing more lovely than listening to the leaves crunch underneath your tires as the wind ruffles your hair, and rosy-reddens your cheeks and nose.
For whatever reason, I haven't been enjoying autumn as much as I usually do. I've been fighting off panic attacks for about a week now - they begin with a sensation of my throat closing off, and ramp up from there. I'm not sure what's bringing them on, but maybe it's a sign that I need to slow down. Calm down. Relax.
Obviously more easily said than done, with a four month old and five year old underfoot...but I should really make an effort to be more present. I could stand to play more, without worrying about the dishes left dirty in the sink, or the box that still needs to be unpacked. I guess I could cut myself some slack.
I think this pregnancy/birth/motherhood thing has thrown me for much more of a loop than the first time around. I'm having a hard time feeling like myself these days. I don't identify with any of my belongings, and looking in the mirror always leaves me feeling...strange. I feel like I don't recognize the person standing before me, and not just because I've cut off my hair and I regret it, or because I don't like any of my clothes - and it's not even because I feel insecure about my postpartum body - I just don't know who that is anymore. What is "me?" What is "me" other than mum/wife/butreallymostlymumcausedoievenhavetimetobeawife? I just feel so empty, so depleted, and not sure how to fill the tank, or at what cost.
I see all these other mums everywhere, seemingly having a great time with their happy, easygoing babies that love to nurse and sleep. I am envious. I am starving for that feeling. But that's a hunger never to be sated - two children that have refused to nurse, what's wrong? What's wrong with me? I can't stop feeling guilty of failure - except when I'm pretending I'm fine.
Maybe I'm just shedding my own "green skin" -- in favour of donning a more mature, sunset-hued, age appropriate dress (I am 25 now, after all).
identity crisis. trust me, i know this all too well.. you are such a strong person. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who thinks this. times are on the up, when it's low, it's low for a reason: because the best is yet to come.
ReplyDeletekeep your head up little lady. all the pieces will fall into place. and it will feel like things cannot be any more perfect. <3