Thursday, January 26, 2012

late night rambling; thoughts on authenticity.

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. -- Richard Bach

Authenticity.

What does that word even mean?

When we begin traversing down the rabbit hole, in search of our "authentic self," oftentimes we come up with more questions, more ways in which we are the "mask" self, rather than the authentic, or Higher Self.

Pathwork defines three states of being: Lower Self, Mask Self, Higher Self. The lectures state that it is far better to be in the Lower Self, because it is more honest and authentic than the Mask, running less risk of us buying into that being who we actually are. When we spend too much time in the Mask, we forget that we are someone different underneath, someone apart from all of our imposed/obligatory responses. I think Great Lake Swimmers defined this state best when they said, "And we live in our actions and our reactions."

The notion of living from a place of authenticity is something I've been working with, on and off, for years. Being a mother, lover/ex-lover, daughter, sister, family member, yoga teacher, reiki master, musician/performer, and pretty much anything else I do in my life, seems to require me to have a specific role. This makes me feel unsatisfied, like I only gain approval if I do what others want. I'm very good at being good - but sometimes all the people pleasing makes moving forward impossible, especially when I'm attempting to appease two people with opposing viewpoints.

Stopping there, I remember a quote from teacher training, "We are not responsible for anyone else's experience of life but our own." (Save for children, of course -- but we're talking adults, here.) I have felt that I was in a precarious position due to this divorce, and not having been prepared for it. I have walked on eggshells in effort to keep the peace, more often than I've healthily and necessarily defined my boundaries. And that's not okay. I feel a pain in my solar plexus, a revolt in my heart, because I know I am not being true to myself.

Recently, I had to make a decision, which entailed heavy consideration of two parties' feelings (both having a vested interest in opposing outcomes) - this was a good lesson for me. I realized that I have to make decisions based on how I feel/what I want, rather than trying to please people. I am not very good at knowing what I want, or feeling okay getting it. For some reason, the idea of being seen as selfish frightens me - so I give and give and give until I can't give anymore, and then I become selfish out of necessity. I acknowledge this pattern and release it, giving myself permission to be not selfish, but Self-ish, recognizing the importance of self-love and putting it into action. Since I enjoy giving and sharing with others, I realize that I better serve others if my own needs are met - how does one share from an empty cup?

"I love and approve of myself. It is safe to live my truth openly and honestly." This has been on my bathroom mirror for weeks, and I look at it, but how often do I employ it, truly live it? Without judgment, I am bringing awareness to that, and intend to live my life from a place of lovingkindness (maitreya/maitri) rather than fear-based perspective (what will so-and-so think/do if i think/do this, or don't?).

When I take a moment to sit in my heart, meditate on it, I find you there. When I peel away the layers, take off the mask -- I am aware of the fear of being vulnerable/rejected, but I recognize the fear is there because there are places where I am rejecting myself. I now give myself permission to call all of the broken pieces, all of the shadows, back home. I also give myself permission to allow this to be a gentle, unfolding process, rather than the overwhelming fallout that I'm usually accustomed to when I make this sort of affirmation. Please, Universe, don't overwhelm me just because you want to show me I'm capable of more -- you've impressed that lesson upon me enough over the past few/26 years, can I rest yet? :)

I am so grateful for all the circumstances and experiences of my life - perceived "good" or "bad" -- they've all served me well. I could not love the way I do if I hadn't experienced "not-love" -- and again, "not-love" is merely an opinion/judgment. Who's to say that it wasn't love, in the best way that person knew how, in the moment? Just like God, Love has many names. We all speak different love languages - it's important to listen, to become fluent in your own love language, to know what speaks to YOU, so you can take care of yourself and also effectively communicate it to your lover, and conversely, understand what makes their hearts move, too.

Enough for now - time for sleep. Rest comes easy when the mind is empty and the heart is light. x

Saturday, January 14, 2012

wide awake and.

So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.”
― Hermann Hesse

In the stillness of early morning, when all is quiet save for the soft sounds of deep sleep, punctuating the heavy silence; this, this is where I am found.

I am not lost, though my mind is uncertain; I am sure my feet are planted in the earth of my soul, and all I must do is place one foot in front of the other. Keep on.

At this time in my life, I find myself feeling more unsure than I remember ever being. There's a stale taste in my mouth, an ache in my heart - I know I'm learning big lessons right now, and I'm close to feeling grounded about all of this. I guess all I can do is continue to ask for Divine guidance and trust.

Somehow, though, there's a glacial calm that permeates the chaos; a cool force amidst the fire. I am learning. I must be gentle with myself. I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. I must strive for more observation and less judgment of myself.

Tomorrow's a new day. The next moment is a new moment. How fortunate we are to be able to begin and renew our practice at any time. How lucky we are, truly, if we remember.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

wolf willow

you came from a land of snow and ice
of wheat and wonder, prairie skies
barren land, heart attack, hold time

out of the earth, blistering shoots
fumbling branches, singing roots
strong hands, homeland, be mine

and our bodies, harvested for firewood
i guess that we were only born to burn

you grew so fast, you stretched so tall
did you retain what it meant to feel small?
deliverance, inconsequence, we tried

and finally, the winter won
the seasons changed before we could run
oh, silence, stillness knows no sides

and when i die i wish to be laid to rest beneath the seeds
my body's sighs begin to leak this bated breath to silver leaves
we grow we grow we grow we go oh

Friday, August 5, 2011

there's a light

calm down.


haunt me in the morning
insight, you never left
it's like i never slept
at all
you're gone and i'm here wanting
lit wires will your breath
still fire for innocence
you call
there's a light
calm down
could we ever really belong
unconscious tides insist
this hunger's what we've missed
before
remember when we were young
slip ire for limbic bliss
still night for lips like this
i'm yours

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Monday, February 28, 2011

ghosts

she's just like her father in so many ways
she even wears the clothes from his younger days
she smokes and drinks until she's numb
til she forgets where she is from
a place too cold to stay

she says she's nothing like the girls in her family
they're all too neat and perfect and she doesn't have to be
and she doesn't like her brother
cause he reminds her of her mother
she doesn't want to have to see

so she'll pack her bags again
say goodbye to all her friends
what is she running from
what are you running from

she's got hearts from every continent but what she hasn't realized
is you can't take without giving so her heart is stretched too wide
she wonders why she's in so much pain
lost love is the lifeblood inside her veins
and when i sing, she cries
she doesn't want to be paralyzed

she'll pack her bags again
say goodbye to all her friends
what is she running from
what are you running from

so pack your bags again
say goodbye to all our friends
what are you running from

don't you know you can't outrun ghosts
don't you know you're here, you're home
don't you know you can't outrun ghosts
just stop

Thursday, February 17, 2011

geoffthompson.com

from Geoff Thompson:

Do you know what you should do if you ever find yourself in a dilemma and need some concise answers to probing and difficult life questions?

Ask a tree of course! That's what I did.

My wife Sharon said to me (a little exasperated) "You're not hugging trees now are you?"

"Don't be silly…" I insisted. "We were just talking."

Well, maybe I hugged it once, or twice (who's counting). But that is between me and the oak.

It was worth the embarrassment. I took a lot of wisdom from our conversations. All the answers are in nature.

How many times have you heard that old fable?

It is hackneyed and it is corny and….it's actually true. Everything we need to know about thriving on the planet earth can be learned by observing nature and its laws.

Once, when I was going through a particularly painful life experience (that seemed to be lasting forever) I decided immerse myself in nature to see if she could offer me escape. I found myself in 300 acres of forest, standing under a 500 year Oak and looking up in awe; I had to crank my neck right back in order to survey its full height.

It was a formidable sight to behold. The roots looked like a dozen giant, sinewy legs buried deep into the earth, its trunk was as wide as five large men and as hard as a miners boot, and its branches, like bulging arms punched high into the sky and umbrellad out in every direction.

It was an inspiring sight.

The tree was powerful, it was deeply rooted and it seemed almost impervious to inclemency. When I compared myself to the tree I felt tiny, inconsequential, as though my contribution to this spinning planet was hardly worth the effort.

I looked at its majesty and power and I thought to myself, "that's how I would like to be."

So I sat with the tree and I asked myself (and I asked the tree, a shamanic exercise that I had been practicing) "How can I be like the oak?"

This is what came to me in the days, the weeks and the years after that first conversation:

You Have Great Potential

The whole schematic for the giant oak is in the acorn. A solitary acorn lying on the earth and looking up at this towering edifice might scoff at the very idea that he too might be an oak, but he could be, and if he plants himself into fertile soil, perhaps one day he will.

We are all a produce of this green earth. What is potential for one, it potential for all.

Don't Be Safe

An acorn that stays above ground, that hides in shady places and does not brave the dark uncertainty of the deep earth will always remain an acorn.

We all have potential, but we need to place ourselves into fertile soil to realise it.

Never Rush

A 500 year old tree takes 500 years to grow. It does not try and speed things up, it does not rush, it never hurries nature and certainly it does not try and cram a 500 year gestation period into a 100 year span.

Gestation and growth takes time. Powerful infrastructure, in our bodies, in our businesses and in our relationships cannot happen overnight. When you try to rush the process, when you attempt get twice the results in half the time, things usually end up getting broken, or taking twice as long to grow. If you place a large trunk on small roots, or sprawling branches on a skinny trunk, all you'll get is immediate imbalance and eventual collapse.

Have Faith

Most of the early growth of an Oak happens underground. To the untrained eye looking from above it might appear that the seed has not taken because a sprout has not immediately appeared through the soil. But just because you cannot see it does not mean that it is not growing.

We all start projects and abandon them too soon because we do not understand this law.

Know your purpose

The tree knows its purpose, that it why it is so powerful, that is why it is sponsored by natural law. It has only one aim; to serve. Everything that it takes in through its roots, and processes through its trunk and branches, it gives out through its leaves. And when its acorn fruits are grown and its leaves are spent, it also gives them to the earth and starts the cycle all over again.

The tree knows the great secret: everything that it gives will return to it. There is no gamble involved. It is a great act of faith in the reciprocal universe, cause and effect in action. Copious and relentless service are its raison d'etre. It is the secret to its greatness.

We are at are at our best when we serve: if we want to experience abundance, we need simply to find lots of people to serve.

Keep the flow

If you were to closely observe the tree at its roots you might say, "this tree is a greedy tree, it takes massively from the earth and gives nothing back." If however you were to look at the tree from the perspective of its leaves, you might think "this tree is the great philanthropist, it gives everything of itself away, even its leaves and fruit, and it asks nothing in return".

And if you were to look at the tree only from the perceptive of its very grand trunk, you might be forgiven for thinking, "this tree is very wealthy, it is loaded with rich sap."

The reason the tree is so profitable and is able to function for hundreds of years is because it is all of those things; it takes copiously, it gives generously and it "has" in abundance. Its secret is that it never stops the flow of energy, every second of every day it takes, it processes and it gives.

If each section of the tree suddenly demanded autonomy of its parts and decided to stop the flow of service the tree would quickly die. A tree that does not serve is a dead tree (and is sacrificed back into the earth).

We make the mistake of forgetting that we are a produce of nature, and as such, like the tree and like all living things we must keep the flow of energy going at all times or die. In our immediate body, and in our extended bodies (business, relationships etc) we need to constantly bring in new energy, we need to process that energy to help build, repair and maintain our own infrastructure first, and then we need to give it all away.

When we greedily think we own it all ("I did the work! Why shouldn't I hold onto the fruits?") we begin our own atrophy. The balance is mathematically precise, we should never take more than we can process, we should never hold more than we can safely manage and we should never give away more than we have.

Luckily, if you listen to your intuition and follow your innate nature, She will make the right calculations for you.

Don't judge

The tree is at one with all things: it does not judge, it does not compare, it does not discriminate, it cannot be threatened, seduced or influenced. Even if you chopped it down with an angry axe, it would continue its service in one way or another. It simply and blindly gives.

What it takes and processes it offers to all. Whether you are a killer or a king, a greedy banker or a starving child, a good man or a bad egg, it will feed you. And in its turn it will feed from you. Your breath is a part of its sustenance. It realises that all things are connected, so to discriminate against one is to discriminate against all. It knows that what it gives it will receive, so, ultimately to deny the other would be to deny itself.

We tend to deny ourselves sustenance and growth by favouring one, whilst pushing away another on the basis of their status, their behavour even the colour of their skin. What we breath in and what we breath out, the food we consume and the information we recieve is (like the tree) ingested, processed and regurgitated back into the earth and the air over and over again, ad-infinitum.

We cannot stop this process, but we can congest and hurt ourselves by trying to. If you want to flourish, give to one and give to all. Be blind in faith, like the oak.

Everything that happens is good

The tree is its influences. It does not see threat in every creature that wants to use its branches or feed off its leaves. Every living creature, big or small, that touches the tree, leaves an essence of its self in the tree and becomes a part of it. Every bird that lands on the tree changes the tree is some small way, it fact it actually becomes a part of the tree.

Every person that walks past the tree joins it with his every breath, the animals also fall into its giving and taking. That is why it does not get angry at the squirrel that uses its branches like a motorway system, or the birds that use its branches for their nest, or the insects in their millions that feed from its bark.

It knows that eventually their cycle of life will end and they will fall back into the earth and offer back all that they have borrowed. Eventually (and likewise) the oak will also fall, and it will also hand in its borrowings.

Don't be threatened by competition. There is no competition. Anything that is real cannot be threatened, if it can be threatened it is not real. Embrace those that want to live off you, live from you, and live with you; help them if you dare to help themselves because what they take they will also give.

Kill arrogance

The tree knows that it is a part of something much bigger than it can even begin to imagine. It is does not arrogantly think that there is nothing more out there, and that the universe is only as big as his ability to comprehend. It observes the tiniest creatures blindly at work on its bark; they are unaware of the fact that they are feeding off an oak that is so big they cannot even see it, let alone understand it.

The oak knows that it too is feeding from the bark of Something beyond is knowing. It knows that the universe is a mysterious place and that there is too much to know. It knowing that there is too much to know, the oak knows everything it needs to know.

Be humble

The oak does not do pride. It is the biggest tree in the five hundred acres, but it is not haughty, neither does not celebrate its place with pomp and ceremony, it does not look down on the young saplings neither does it scoff at the summer flower that lasts only one season whilst it thrives for hundreds of years. It knows that in the vast eco structure, each plays it part, and none more so than any other.

The moment you lose your humility and allow yourself to think that your life is more important suddenly than another's, because you have accrued wealth, or inherited (or earned) privilege or status you are lost. The moment you become haughty because you think you know more, or you think you have more, or you believe that you are more and (only you) follow the righteous path, you are again lost.

If you are given status, know that it is on loan, and given only in order for you to better serve. If you are privileged, know that it is a temporary position, awarded only so that you can become the steward for more people. And if you have been gifted wealth, know that you are only the caretaker, and it is proffered so that you can care take for those who cannot take care of themselves.

Eschew comfort

The tree does not cling to its comfort. It understands that nothing grows in clement conditions and that pain accompanies every burst of new life. And so it welcomes the rain, the rain feeds it. And it greets the wind gladly, the wind tempers it, and it lauds the scorching sun and like a returning king, because without the sun it could not exist.

It integrates this benevolent triumvirate into its leaves, its branches, its trunk and its roots. The tree is a master of alchemy; it can turn all things, however inclement into gold.

Do not seek comfort. Comfort kills sooner than cyanide. Do not look for growth in comfortable places; in the business of being a person or in the business of life, comfortable places are the breeding ground for disease and death. And remember, if you encourage a broad perspective, everything good bad or indifferent can be turned into profit.

Nothing Dies

Even the great oak will eventually follow it autumn leaves and fall. But it will not die. It cannot die, nothing can. It will simply sink into the green earth and become sustenance for the seeds it scattered in previous seasons.

Science confirms that nothing can die, it can only transform. So when this dream ends we will be re-born into a new dream, one we prepared earlier (in the current life span) with our karmic actions. If we want to next dream to be great it is important that we plant the seeds for greatness now with our actions.

Everything is everything

The best tree spends its entire existence serving, because it knows that to serve others it to serve itself. But the tree looks after its own corner of the world. It does not worry itself unduly about life and death in the opposite field, in the forest across the water or the trees in countries beyond its own shores.

If it allowed itself to think about the whole world, it would start to feel inadequate and separate and ineffectual. What this tree has learned and what it tree knows was this: it is rooted into the ground and its branches stretch high into the sky.

It is part of the planet, like we are all part of the planet, and whilst it might seem to be separate on the surface like islands in a sea, underneath, in the great deep they (we) are all connected to everything else. We are everything else. So to serve one forest it serves all forests. When it processes its gold through the leaves it sends its contribution into the great quantum soup.

Sometimes we feel as though there is so much to do in the world that what ever we do as individuals, it will never be enough. But in truth, whatever you do will be enough.

You are enough.

Be well.

Geoff Thompson
Bafta Winning Writer, Teacher, Martial Artist