Authenticity.
What does that word even mean?
When we begin traversing down the rabbit hole, in search of our "authentic self," oftentimes we come up with more questions, more ways in which we are the "mask" self, rather than the authentic, or Higher Self.
Pathwork defines three states of being: Lower Self, Mask Self, Higher Self. The lectures state that it is far better to be in the Lower Self, because it is more honest and authentic than the Mask, running less risk of us buying into that being who we actually are. When we spend too much time in the Mask, we forget that we are someone different underneath, someone apart from all of our imposed/obligatory responses. I think Great Lake Swimmers defined this state best when they said, "And we live in our actions and our reactions."
The notion of living from a place of authenticity is something I've been working with, on and off, for years. Being a mother, lover/ex-lover, daughter, sister, family member, yoga teacher, reiki master, musician/performer, and pretty much anything else I do in my life, seems to require me to have a specific role. This makes me feel unsatisfied, like I only gain approval if I do what others want. I'm very good at being good - but sometimes all the people pleasing makes moving forward impossible, especially when I'm attempting to appease two people with opposing viewpoints.
Stopping there, I remember a quote from teacher training, "We are not responsible for anyone else's experience of life but our own." (Save for children, of course -- but we're talking adults, here.) I have felt that I was in a precarious position due to this divorce, and not having been prepared for it. I have walked on eggshells in effort to keep the peace, more often than I've healthily and necessarily defined my boundaries. And that's not okay. I feel a pain in my solar plexus, a revolt in my heart, because I know I am not being true to myself.
Recently, I had to make a decision, which entailed heavy consideration of two parties' feelings (both having a vested interest in opposing outcomes) - this was a good lesson for me. I realized that I have to make decisions based on how I feel/what I want, rather than trying to please people. I am not very good at knowing what I want, or feeling okay getting it. For some reason, the idea of being seen as selfish frightens me - so I give and give and give until I can't give anymore, and then I become selfish out of necessity. I acknowledge this pattern and release it, giving myself permission to be not selfish, but Self-ish, recognizing the importance of self-love and putting it into action. Since I enjoy giving and sharing with others, I realize that I better serve others if my own needs are met - how does one share from an empty cup?
"I love and approve of myself. It is safe to live my truth openly and honestly." This has been on my bathroom mirror for weeks, and I look at it, but how often do I employ it, truly live it? Without judgment, I am bringing awareness to that, and intend to live my life from a place of lovingkindness (maitreya/maitri) rather than fear-based perspective (what will so-and-so think/do if i think/do this, or don't?).
When I take a moment to sit in my heart, meditate on it, I find you there. When I peel away the layers, take off the mask -- I am aware of the fear of being vulnerable/rejected, but I recognize the fear is there because there are places where I am rejecting myself. I now give myself permission to call all of the broken pieces, all of the shadows, back home. I also give myself permission to allow this to be a gentle, unfolding process, rather than the overwhelming fallout that I'm usually accustomed to when I make this sort of affirmation. Please, Universe, don't overwhelm me just because you want to show me I'm capable of more -- you've impressed that lesson upon me enough over the past few/26 years, can I rest yet? :)
I am so grateful for all the circumstances and experiences of my life - perceived "good" or "bad" -- they've all served me well. I could not love the way I do if I hadn't experienced "not-love" -- and again, "not-love" is merely an opinion/judgment. Who's to say that it wasn't love, in the best way that person knew how, in the moment? Just like God, Love has many names. We all speak different love languages - it's important to listen, to become fluent in your own love language, to know what speaks to YOU, so you can take care of yourself and also effectively communicate it to your lover, and conversely, understand what makes their hearts move, too.
Enough for now - time for sleep. Rest comes easy when the mind is empty and the heart is light. x
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