for micah.

I saw a great movie tonight -- District 9. For those of you who haven't seen it, check it out. The first hour is mindless violence, but if you can get through that, you'll find your mind blasted open, in the best way possible. Go, do yourself a favor and gain some awareness.

I thought I'd write about the lessons learned from the movie -- but I'm still so awestruck that I can't properly formulate coherent sentences. Instead, I leave you with a poem I wrote about six months ago. Micah and I had a beautiful, fun-filled day today, leaving him desperately in need of a bath, which reminded me of this one particular bathtime...

Namaste.

----------------------

for micah.

with just a little coaxing, i stripped you of your armor - cast off my own, and knelt before you, trembling, naked/
it scared me to let you see me this vulnerable.

for i am your protector, your warrior mother who bakes you cookies in the lazy afternoon and thrashes in the sheets/cold sweats & dreams about you in the night.

i would do anything
for you

to love me.

like a submarine, i acquiesced to the water's plea "just let me hold you one more time" - along the same lines of how i always give you an extra squeeze before you leave, just in case.

your inquiring eyes burn holes in mine as you carefully wrap your little hands around cups of blue, green, purple. your chubby baby fingers meticulously orchestrate the foundations of architecture that will save the world - or my soul, at the very least.

stacking squares, you place your art in my hands, inviting me to join in on your exploration of creative potentiality. the steam rises from the bathwater, forming droplets of water on my face, hiding the otherwise undeniable fact that you've moved me to tears with your innocent faith.

later, on a walk in the crisp autumn air, i recall comparing prune fingers as i towel dried your hair. you sank into me like a dream, and i contemplated what it would be like to stop time and keep you at sweet, tender three. you still let me kiss you in public, and you'll never grow tired of sitting in my lap, playing with my hair and blowing raspberries into my neck.

i know you're growing older. i feel your baby body slip away into the bedsheets and emerge in the morning with the hardened musculature of a playful child. your eyes have changed the way they look upon the world. your mouth has altered its former fifteen word vocabulary to spit out imitated jargon, gathered and stored away when i'm not looking or listening.

and now, as i close the day and make my plans for later, i'll drag myself up the stairs where you sleep fitfully, waiting for me to join you in sifting through dreams, selecting fractals of reality from which we weave tangible patterns in the star-studded night, to realize upon waking in the morning.

arboreal locomotion, vol.1

cause the words that i'm saying/don't register on your face, and --

--------------------------

if you were for me/i'd be sleeping at your house

and if you were for me/there would not be any doubt

that you were for me

things change. seasons, people, emotions, surroundings.

open/close. doors, minds, hearts.

thank you for all that i've learned from you and from being with you. please just go.

hiding place

strawberry lips

sink teeth deep into me

whispering secrets into moss covered hiding places

where velvet springs forth from innocent spaces

to allure me down

down

down

further down, still.

to a place where grass plays with my bare feet,

where i didn't know the dew would ever taste so sweet and

god,

i think i could die

here.

leave my legacy on your lashes,

bruises on your branches

still green from the springtime, my careless mind said you'd still be mine

but i could see the lights from the no-vacancy sign

that you hung in your eyes while my heart hung to dry

like a secret, kept in cotton mouths.

slowly drying out.

while the lazy sun turns everything to dusty caramel --

uncomfortable.

i.

bake bricks. make dreams.

wait impatiently for the rain to wash the silent crimson stains

that scream your name

so loud.

let it go, let it be

maybe when i die/i get to be a car

driving in the night/lighting up the dark

ever feel like you just learned a world's worth of experience in a small timespan?

i know i'm not alone in feeling this. i mean, i know you feel it too -- but what about everyone else? i want to hope that all of you arrive here at some point - with all the pain, beauty, realization, knowledge, consciousness that i've found each moment to be full of.

every second of your life holds so much weight, so much knowledge to impart, so much LIFE. and the roots of life itself, in the truest sense of the word.

are you living your life fully? reaching out, touching, feeling, experiencing, loving, uplifting, expanding, being everything there is? and if not, what would your life look like, if you were? can you give yourself permission to grow in all directions, even if only just for this second?

they say love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another - and i want you to know that i see you the way i've always seen you. a vast ocean resides behind your eyes; and i've been struggling to keep my head above water since you first opened those oscillating orbs - or, at least since the oscular storm of two weeks past when you pelted soft tongue throaty words that hung in my mouth like sunset, caught between my teeth until morning. it's hard to not want to just dive in, without caring if i drown or drift to safety.

but i'll tread water, here. maybe i'll even jump out for awhile. perhaps i need to dry off, because i've been wet since i met you, and while not necessarily a bad thing, it prevents me from thinking clearly.

so, i'll just say i'll see you when i see you. and i'll always see you the way i always do, because you're the brightest light i know; i still see you with my eyes closed.

i know you hate the word faith but

drive all night

to get to a place where you can be quiet now

set your sights on a better way

shut my eyes

to get to a space where you can be mine somehow

but not this time, you've never never been one to stay around

but if you have a little faith in me

if you have a little faith, yeah

tiny lights

guide your way along the horizon now

you're getting tired of always doing all the driving

but what if we tried

what if all this time i was right somehow

bide my time, bite my tongue until you come around

but if you have a little faith in me

if you have a little faith, yeah

and many breaths have passed since we last kissed and

many suns have set many moons have risen 

stars have fallen hearts have broken

and i'm a lot stronger

and i'm a lot stronger

and i've never been one for giving in

say yes.

i want to say i hate this but it’s such a weak word 

and these feelings are so much stronger than the need to be concerned

with my own aversion for the situation and the way we’ve been relating 

and coexisting/fishing for what we’re missing 

in the mouths of nameless strangers

create diversions to mask uncertainty

what was once so fully worth it to me is undeserving of me

and honestly, it’s hurting me

cause jars and jars of promises sit unopened/unattended

i wish i’d known your love was bound be so open ended 

and that you’d let me let my guard down when you knew you couldn’t defend it

and all the time we spent together you were really just pretending

that someday i’d be the one you want we’d grow into each other

physically tall/emotionally small,you were looking for a mother

but i’ve got a little boy and he’s more grown than you’re capable

and the fact that you broke his heart isn’t only unforgivable it’s hateful

and despicable and evil and i don’t care about me Joe 

but when you tell him that you love him you’ve got to be for real

you’ve got to be accountable and honorable and honest and FAITHFUL

because i won’t be with a man who’s any less than what i’m able

to admire and be inspired by he’ll open my heart and open my mind’s eye 

and he won’t be defined by my presence in his life

or seek to leave his mark on me - 

unless expanding exponentially

the horizons of my mind or the ocean of my capacity

to love another person despite the circumstances 

and not only because i’m a hopeless romantic

but it’s gonna be so fucking real that i can’t even stand it

and not because he buys me things then thinks he can command it

but it will flow from a wellspring that’s never ever ending

and we’ll tell each other truths and god, that’s so refreshing

and i’ll rest easier at night knowing someone really gets me

because i’ve been waiting for so long and now i’m finally ready

and i hope you’re hungry enough to eat every last lie

and please don’t talk with your mouth full, it’s really impolite

you’ll be okay, don’t beg me to stay, you know i have to leave

i have to get out because i can barely breathe

and despite all we’ve been through, you still don’t even see

that saying no to you means saying yes to me.

but darling, i've never been more sure/you're the choice i made before i knew what all the other choices were.

like tiny air bubbles slowly rising from the bottom of a glass, i feel this excitement spreading throughout my entire body - rapidly reaching millions of tiny fingertips, extending even beyond my insides, out into the ether.

i know that everything is going to be okay.

more than okay. great, even. perfect.

suddenly, even breathing is a joy. i'm so grateful to be alive, living this experience of what it's like to be in this body, with this mind and this heart. and words cannot express how thankful i am to know YOU - with your unique mind and your big heart. thank you for being here.

your presence lets me know that i am not alone. that i must have done/am doing something right. that we're all in this together, and it doesn't have to be such a struggle. when we stop resisting, when we submit, we follow the natural ebb and flow, and drift to safety. when we struggle, we're dozens of times more likely to be pulled under.

what and where are you resisting in your life? can you let it go, even if only for a moment? try it on for size - i bet you'll like it.

the past four days, i've been teaching myself to relax, to be at peace with doing nothing. i've realized the value of doing "nothing" - and will now create space for "nothing" one day a week. i've realized the importance of being kind to myself, and that i don't need to feel guilty for taking some time off for myself. i smile more, laugh more, think more, do more (when i go back to doing "something"), love more -- LIVE MORE. and then i can give more.

wherever you are, whatever you're doing - stop. just take a minute to breathe a few breaths and experience the wonder of your life. if things are going too fast, this is an incredible way to slow them down. if things aren't going fast enough, this is a way to get in touch with yourself, to connect with the consciousness that will manifest your wildest dreams and beyond.

know that you are never alone, and that what you are looking for will most certainly find you when you're ready.

je t'aime avec tous mon coeur. namaste.