there's no way to temper your thirst/with lasting impressions or pictures of home/there's no way to grow that don't hurt

struggle, struggle, struggle - grow.

i feel like a plant that's furiously trying to shrink back into its seedpod. the goosebumps don't go - it's too cold.

i love everything about autumn except living in a condo that doesn't have a functional heater. thank god we're moving soon.

it was time to bring the plants in last night...seems silly to give them designated spaces when we're just going to be packing up in a few days. then again, seems unfair to lump them all in a corner...plants have feelings, too.

down memory lane...

i recently found an old journal of mine from right before and right after micah was born - just before i got too busy to keep up with it. i've been playing guitar when i can find the time, and i remembered a song i wrote for micah when i was 19, a few months prior to the day he made his way into our world. as he gazes lovingly across the table at me while he eats his breakfast, i'm filled up with this weighty, heady buzz - so thankful he chose me to be his mother. what a great little guy.

lullaby (micah's song)

i'm not a very good baker

and i won't make a very good mother

funny how these things turn out

funny how life turns you out

and i was never a very good actor

and yes i worry

if you will find me attractive

and i wonder have i lived my life to be everything

that your perfection deserves to find in me

la la la la la la la lullaby

la la la la la

and i wonder if i am good enough

and i wonder will you know that you were loved

i've always been just a little too selfish

and now i wonder can i find myself selfless

i find i worry that i'm not fine by you

i find as time goes

i'm defined by you

la la la la la la la lullaby

la la la la la

and i wonder if i am good enough

and i wonder will you know that you were loved

never doubt that you are love

never doubt that you are love

never doubt, never doubt, never never never never never never never never

never doubt, never doubt what you are

wide awake and.

Big dreams on no sleep.

The definition of "big dreams" has changed many times in my life, but now it seems to apply best to things like taking a shower, having a nap, eating a meal before it gets cold... Sex? Yeah, right. Maybe when I can find the time to shave my legs! Maybe when the baby's 18 and out of the house. Maybe.

But really? I've never been good at taking breaks. Relaxing. Doing nothing. So now when things are at a snail's pace, I'm learning how to take it slow. And I'm finding that I really enjoy it. It's much easier to be present for each moment and its many subtle nuances this way.

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Nevaeh will be four weeks on Thursday, and Micah will be five years old in August. Where has the time gone? This realization makes me feel like I'm choking, gasping for air, trying to stop time that's elusively slipping through my fingers as I'm clutching my children to my chest. Oddly enough, I don't feel like I'm personally aging - just like my babies are growing up. September brings a quarter of a century for me...and I just feel proud to have made such a solid foundation for a good life by 25. I probably still learn my lessons just as messily, but now there are two of us to clean it all up.

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It turns out Nevaeh is hating on something in my diet - first to go, anything in the realm of dairy. I'm not heartbroken over the absence of milk (though I was enjoying the organic stuff we'd been purchasing for the last little while), but cheese? Yogurt? Not to mention FROZEN YOGURT?! And what about the whey protein shake I've been consuming nearly every morning for the past three or four years? Dammit. I despise vegan proteins. The taste, the texture...ugh.

So I ate some turkey.

And then I ate some more.

And I liked it.

There goes seven years of vegetarianism. Not that I intend to flood my diet with animal flesh - no. But every once in awhile, I think I'd like to eat some fish or white meat that has been sourced locally, or under the best possible conditions. I still don't agree with the idea that something has had to die in order for me to consume it, so it's strange to eat and feel conflicted... perhaps once I'm done breastfeeding I'll go back to total vegetarianism, but right now I'm more starving than I've ever been in my entire life. Animal protein fills me up the way nothing else seems to. And I'm okay with that.

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Body body body body body - my belly has fallen right off and my breasts have exploded. I miss having smallish boobs; none of my favourite dresses fit properly. Damn damn damn. But I love breastfeeding. I love the way she looks at me when we're connected like that. So I guess I can postpone donning the dresses I was looking so forward to wearing this summer. At least I can fit into my old jeans no problemo!

The absence of belly (so soon!) results in mixed feelings for Mama. Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy she's out! It's just so strange to feel my belly and meet emptiness. Not even muscles - it's another two weeks before I'm "allowed" to work out even gently... I'm looking forward to rebuilding my core - my posture sucks and carrying the baby around all day is sure to lead to an early death. Of my spine, at least.

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Micah's bedtime. See ya!

come into the light.

but morning finds you still warm and breathing/

with the best of intentions, i started this a few days ago. and promptly left it on the back burner.

"it's been some time.

it seems funny that i should choose now to begin upkeep of this blog. now, when i'm sure to be much more of a busy bee than before.

one week ago, minus two hours and a few measly minutes, i gave birth (in four hours, at home in a birthing pool) to the most magical, delightful little being. luck and love have graced me with not one, but TWO beautiful children (in addition to the insanely awesome love of my life husband i've managed to wrangle in the meantime) - even in the wee hours of the morning, bleary eyed and neverbeensoexhaustedinmylifeohmygod!, i find myself smiling. life is so sweet."

and full! when i haven't got my arms heart brain full i'm trying to get my mouth full, or empty and clean, along with the rest of me. my husband is a lifesaver - he entertains my incessantly inquisitive four-year-old, has mastered the art of protein shakes just the way i like them, makes patient attempts to connect with an infant who's seemingly only got eyes for her mother's breasts (tough competition), and still makes time to kiss me so that time stops earth moves heart aches because all is full of love.

so, i hope i can manage to consistently blog about my adventures, but if i'm not back as often as you'd like, please don't hesitate to contact me in real life - i live much better over there than on the internet. xo!

it's the holidays and everyone's coming home everyone's coming home coming home coming home

the harvest - i just feel like posting this today

i started as a seed in the hole in the ground in my head

you came after me we eloped without a sound we rushed it

now i'm all limbs all hands all eyes all feeling

you say i'm all heart like it's a bad thing

made my way as a sprout from the seed in the hole in the ground

you say when i came out i wasn't me i was bold i was proud

now i'm all fists all mouth all talk all aching

tell me i'm all heart like it's a bad thing

we all need to grow

i became a stalk from the sprout from the seed in the hole

i would lay and talk take it down let's see what i know

i know i'm all mind lacking logic full of panic no strings

they say i'm all heart like it's a bad thing

i became a flower from the stalk from the sprout from the seed

became afraid that our love would walk right out on me

i know you're all mine full of logic now i panic cause the strings

pull on my heart like they're attacking

we all need to grow

beauty comes from ordinary soil so why don't we see it?