oh, filthy water

i built myself a desert
i wrote you this letter
i dug my own grave

so shallow
so you'll never come back

i went into hiding
with a picture of you smiling
and you never came

i can't swallow
don't ever come back

oh filthy water under the bridge in my city
drown the ocean of tears that falls into you tonight
oh filthy water under the bridge, wash over me
now we know there's no fear when we close our eyes

i set myself on fire
torch bridges, burn with desire
you know i won't say

i can't follow
i'll never come back

i put myself to bed
with this aching in my chest
and bones and my head

so hollow
we'll never go back

oh filthy water under the bridge in my city
drown the ocean of tears that falls into you tonight
oh filthy water under the bridge, wash over me
now we know there's no fear when we close our eyes

oh filthy water under the bridge in my city
drown the ocean of tears that falls into you tonight
oh filthy water under the bridge, wash over me
now we know there's no fear when we say goodbye

you are a cyclone.

wind blows down the river
cedar's limbs lie in the road
your lips are pursed in whisper
we dreamed these neon tornadoes

when we wake we are in pieces
morning, she has me by the throat
oh, we can't say we're leaving
you tell me just leave it alone

and all the time we fight
all the love we don't give out
and all the time you're right
we don't make a sound
it's quiet in this house

now we see in colour
this luminescent view
we don't need to fear each other
but i feel the ghost in you

and all the time we fight
all the love we don't give out
and all the time you're right
we don't make a sound

all the time we fight
all the love we don't give out
all the time you're right
we don't scream and shout
it's quiet in this house

"i want to take care of you"

i want to take care of you, too.

i want to tell you how you make me feel, but all around me, everything is doing it better than i ever could.

the sky is writing my love for you in sunrises; the trees are bursting with feeling, sending forth thousands of little tiny shoots that (given water, sunshine and attention) will grow into intricate perfection, reaching for the light. grey clouds spend two days pouring their hearts out onto the impatient earth, anxious for that moment when ground and sky inextricably become one, and there is release. there is peace.

time for sleep.

late night rambling; thoughts on authenticity.

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. -- Richard Bach

Authenticity.

What does that word even mean?

When we begin traversing down the rabbit hole, in search of our "authentic self," oftentimes we come up with more questions, more ways in which we are the "mask" self, rather than the authentic, or Higher Self.

Pathwork defines three states of being: Lower Self, Mask Self, Higher Self. The lectures state that it is far better to be in the Lower Self, because it is more honest and authentic than the Mask, running less risk of us buying into that being who we actually are. When we spend too much time in the Mask, we forget that we are someone different underneath, someone apart from all of our imposed/obligatory responses. I think Great Lake Swimmers defined this state best when they said, "And we live in our actions and our reactions."

The notion of living from a place of authenticity is something I've been working with, on and off, for years. Being a mother, lover/ex-lover, daughter, sister, family member, yoga teacher, reiki master, musician/performer, and pretty much anything else I do in my life, seems to require me to have a specific role. This makes me feel unsatisfied, like I only gain approval if I do what others want. I'm very good at being good - but sometimes all the people pleasing makes moving forward impossible, especially when I'm attempting to appease two people with opposing viewpoints.

Stopping there, I remember a quote from teacher training, "We are not responsible for anyone else's experience of life but our own." (Save for children, of course -- but we're talking adults, here.) I have felt that I was in a precarious position due to this divorce, and not having been prepared for it. I have walked on eggshells in effort to keep the peace, more often than I've healthily and necessarily defined my boundaries. And that's not okay. I feel a pain in my solar plexus, a revolt in my heart, because I know I am not being true to myself.

Recently, I had to make a decision, which entailed heavy consideration of two parties' feelings (both having a vested interest in opposing outcomes) - this was a good lesson for me. I realized that I have to make decisions based on how I feel/what I want, rather than trying to please people. I am not very good at knowing what I want, or feeling okay getting it. For some reason, the idea of being seen as selfish frightens me - so I give and give and give until I can't give anymore, and then I become selfish out of necessity. I acknowledge this pattern and release it, giving myself permission to be not selfish, but Self-ish, recognizing the importance of self-love and putting it into action. Since I enjoy giving and sharing with others, I realize that I better serve others if my own needs are met - how does one share from an empty cup?

"I love and approve of myself. It is safe to live my truth openly and honestly." This has been on my bathroom mirror for weeks, and I look at it, but how often do I employ it, truly live it? Without judgment, I am bringing awareness to that, and intend to live my life from a place of lovingkindness (maitreya/maitri) rather than fear-based perspective (what will so-and-so think/do if i think/do this, or don't?).

When I take a moment to sit in my heart, meditate on it, I find you there. When I peel away the layers, take off the mask -- I am aware of the fear of being vulnerable/rejected, but I recognize the fear is there because there are places where I am rejecting myself. I now give myself permission to call all of the broken pieces, all of the shadows, back home. I also give myself permission to allow this to be a gentle, unfolding process, rather than the overwhelming fallout that I'm usually accustomed to when I make this sort of affirmation. Please, Universe, don't overwhelm me just because you want to show me I'm capable of more -- you've impressed that lesson upon me enough over the past few/26 years, can I rest yet? :)

I am so grateful for all the circumstances and experiences of my life - perceived "good" or "bad" -- they've all served me well. I could not love the way I do if I hadn't experienced "not-love" -- and again, "not-love" is merely an opinion/judgment. Who's to say that it wasn't love, in the best way that person knew how, in the moment? Just like God, Love has many names. We all speak different love languages - it's important to listen, to become fluent in your own love language, to know what speaks to YOU, so you can take care of yourself and also effectively communicate it to your lover, and conversely, understand what makes their hearts move, too.

Enough for now - time for sleep. Rest comes easy when the mind is empty and the heart is light. x

wide awake and.

So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.”
― Hermann Hesse

In the stillness of early morning, when all is quiet save for the soft sounds of deep sleep, punctuating the heavy silence; this, this is where I am found.

I am not lost, though my mind is uncertain; I am sure my feet are planted in the earth of my soul, and all I must do is place one foot in front of the other. Keep on.

At this time in my life, I find myself feeling more unsure than I remember ever being. There's a stale taste in my mouth, an ache in my heart - I know I'm learning big lessons right now, and I'm close to feeling grounded about all of this. I guess all I can do is continue to ask for Divine guidance and trust.

Somehow, though, there's a glacial calm that permeates the chaos; a cool force amidst the fire. I am learning. I must be gentle with myself. I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. I must strive for more observation and less judgment of myself.

Tomorrow's a new day. The next moment is a new moment. How fortunate we are to be able to begin and renew our practice at any time. How lucky we are, truly, if we remember.

wolf willow

you came from a land of snow and ice

of wheat and wonder, prairie skies

barren land, heart attack, hold time

out of the earth, blistering shoots

fumbling branches, singing roots

strong hands, homeland, be mine

and our bodies, harvested for firewood

i guess that we were only born to burn

you grew so fast, you stretched so tall

did you retain what it meant to feel small?

deliverance, inconsequence, we tried

and finally, the winter won

the seasons changed before we could run

oh, silence, stillness knows no sides

and when i die i wish to be laid to rest beneath the seeds

my body's sighs begin to leak this bated breath to silver leaves

we grow we grow we grow we go oh

there's a light

calm down.

haunt me in the morning

insight, you never left

it's like i never slept

at all

you're gone and i'm here wanting

lit wires will your breath

still fire for innocence

you call

there's a light

calm down

could we ever really belong

unconscious tides insist

this hunger's what we've missed

before

remember when we were young

slip ire for limbic bliss

still night for lips like this

i'm yours

ghosts

ghosts

she's just like her father in so many ways

she even wears the clothes from his younger days

she smokes and drinks until she's numb

til she forgets where she is from

a place too cold to stay

she says she's nothing like the girls in her family

they're all too neat and perfect and she doesn't have to be

and she doesn't like her brother

cause he reminds her of her mother

she doesn't want to have to see

so she'll pack her bags again

say goodbye to all her friends

what is she running from

what are you running from

she's got hearts from every continent but what she hasn't realized

is you can't take without giving so her heart is stretched too wide

she wonders why she's in so much pain

lost love is the lifeblood inside her veins

and when i sing, she cries

she doesn't want to be paralyzed

she'll pack her bags again

say goodbye to all her friends

what is she running from

what are you running from

so pack your bags again

say goodbye to all our friends

what are you running from

don't you know you can't outrun ghosts

don't you know you're here, you're home

don't you know you can't outrun ghosts

just stop

geoffthompson.com

from Geoff Thompson:

Do you know what you should do if you ever find yourself in a dilemma and need some concise answers to probing and difficult life questions?

Ask a tree of course! That's what I did.

My wife Sharon said to me (a little exasperated) "You're not hugging trees now are you?"

"Don't be silly…" I insisted. "We were just talking."

Well, maybe I hugged it once, or twice (who's counting). But that is between me and the oak.

It was worth the embarrassment. I took a lot of wisdom from our conversations. All the answers are in nature.

How many times have you heard that old fable?

It is hackneyed and it is corny and….it's actually true. Everything we need to know about thriving on the planet earth can be learned by observing nature and its laws.

Once, when I was going through a particularly painful life experience (that seemed to be lasting forever) I decided immerse myself in nature to see if she could offer me escape. I found myself in 300 acres of forest, standing under a 500 year Oak and looking up in awe; I had to crank my neck right back in order to survey its full height.

It was a formidable sight to behold. The roots looked like a dozen giant, sinewy legs buried deep into the earth, its trunk was as wide as five large men and as hard as a miners boot, and its branches, like bulging arms punched high into the sky and umbrellad out in every direction.

It was an inspiring sight.

The tree was powerful, it was deeply rooted and it seemed almost impervious to inclemency. When I compared myself to the tree I felt tiny, inconsequential, as though my contribution to this spinning planet was hardly worth the effort.

I looked at its majesty and power and I thought to myself, "that's how I would like to be."

So I sat with the tree and I asked myself (and I asked the tree, a shamanic exercise that I had been practicing) "How can I be like the oak?"

This is what came to me in the days, the weeks and the years after that first conversation:

You Have Great Potential

The whole schematic for the giant oak is in the acorn. A solitary acorn lying on the earth and looking up at this towering edifice might scoff at the very idea that he too might be an oak, but he could be, and if he plants himself into fertile soil, perhaps one day he will.

We are all a produce of this green earth. What is potential for one, it potential for all.

Don't Be Safe

An acorn that stays above ground, that hides in shady places and does not brave the dark uncertainty of the deep earth will always remain an acorn.

We all have potential, but we need to place ourselves into fertile soil to realise it.

Never Rush

A 500 year old tree takes 500 years to grow. It does not try and speed things up, it does not rush, it never hurries nature and certainly it does not try and cram a 500 year gestation period into a 100 year span.

Gestation and growth takes time. Powerful infrastructure, in our bodies, in our businesses and in our relationships cannot happen overnight. When you try to rush the process, when you attempt get twice the results in half the time, things usually end up getting broken, or taking twice as long to grow. If you place a large trunk on small roots, or sprawling branches on a skinny trunk, all you'll get is immediate imbalance and eventual collapse.

Have Faith

Most of the early growth of an Oak happens underground. To the untrained eye looking from above it might appear that the seed has not taken because a sprout has not immediately appeared through the soil. But just because you cannot see it does not mean that it is not growing.

We all start projects and abandon them too soon because we do not understand this law.

Know your purpose

The tree knows its purpose, that it why it is so powerful, that is why it is sponsored by natural law. It has only one aim; to serve. Everything that it takes in through its roots, and processes through its trunk and branches, it gives out through its leaves. And when its acorn fruits are grown and its leaves are spent, it also gives them to the earth and starts the cycle all over again.

The tree knows the great secret: everything that it gives will return to it. There is no gamble involved. It is a great act of faith in the reciprocal universe, cause and effect in action. Copious and relentless service are its raison d'etre. It is the secret to its greatness.

We are at are at our best when we serve: if we want to experience abundance, we need simply to find lots of people to serve.

Keep the flow

If you were to closely observe the tree at its roots you might say, "this tree is a greedy tree, it takes massively from the earth and gives nothing back." If however you were to look at the tree from the perspective of its leaves, you might think "this tree is the great philanthropist, it gives everything of itself away, even its leaves and fruit, and it asks nothing in return".

And if you were to look at the tree only from the perceptive of its very grand trunk, you might be forgiven for thinking, "this tree is very wealthy, it is loaded with rich sap."

The reason the tree is so profitable and is able to function for hundreds of years is because it is all of those things; it takes copiously, it gives generously and it "has" in abundance. Its secret is that it never stops the flow of energy, every second of every day it takes, it processes and it gives.

If each section of the tree suddenly demanded autonomy of its parts and decided to stop the flow of service the tree would quickly die. A tree that does not serve is a dead tree (and is sacrificed back into the earth).

We make the mistake of forgetting that we are a produce of nature, and as such, like the tree and like all living things we must keep the flow of energy going at all times or die. In our immediate body, and in our extended bodies (business, relationships etc) we need to constantly bring in new energy, we need to process that energy to help build, repair and maintain our own infrastructure first, and then we need to give it all away.

When we greedily think we own it all ("I did the work! Why shouldn't I hold onto the fruits?") we begin our own atrophy. The balance is mathematically precise, we should never take more than we can process, we should never hold more than we can safely manage and we should never give away more than we have.

Luckily, if you listen to your intuition and follow your innate nature, She will make the right calculations for you.

Don't judge

The tree is at one with all things: it does not judge, it does not compare, it does not discriminate, it cannot be threatened, seduced or influenced. Even if you chopped it down with an angry axe, it would continue its service in one way or another. It simply and blindly gives.

What it takes and processes it offers to all. Whether you are a killer or a king, a greedy banker or a starving child, a good man or a bad egg, it will feed you. And in its turn it will feed from you. Your breath is a part of its sustenance. It realises that all things are connected, so to discriminate against one is to discriminate against all. It knows that what it gives it will receive, so, ultimately to deny the other would be to deny itself.

We tend to deny ourselves sustenance and growth by favouring one, whilst pushing away another on the basis of their status, their behavour even the colour of their skin. What we breath in and what we breath out, the food we consume and the information we recieve is (like the tree) ingested, processed and regurgitated back into the earth and the air over and over again, ad-infinitum.

We cannot stop this process, but we can congest and hurt ourselves by trying to. If you want to flourish, give to one and give to all. Be blind in faith, like the oak.

Everything that happens is good

The tree is its influences. It does not see threat in every creature that wants to use its branches or feed off its leaves. Every living creature, big or small, that touches the tree, leaves an essence of its self in the tree and becomes a part of it. Every bird that lands on the tree changes the tree is some small way, it fact it actually becomes a part of the tree.

Every person that walks past the tree joins it with his every breath, the animals also fall into its giving and taking. That is why it does not get angry at the squirrel that uses its branches like a motorway system, or the birds that use its branches for their nest, or the insects in their millions that feed from its bark.

It knows that eventually their cycle of life will end and they will fall back into the earth and offer back all that they have borrowed. Eventually (and likewise) the oak will also fall, and it will also hand in its borrowings.

Don't be threatened by competition. There is no competition. Anything that is real cannot be threatened, if it can be threatened it is not real. Embrace those that want to live off you, live from you, and live with you; help them if you dare to help themselves because what they take they will also give.

Kill arrogance

The tree knows that it is a part of something much bigger than it can even begin to imagine. It is does not arrogantly think that there is nothing more out there, and that the universe is only as big as his ability to comprehend. It observes the tiniest creatures blindly at work on its bark; they are unaware of the fact that they are feeding off an oak that is so big they cannot even see it, let alone understand it.

The oak knows that it too is feeding from the bark of Something beyond is knowing. It knows that the universe is a mysterious place and that there is too much to know. It knowing that there is too much to know, the oak knows everything it needs to know.

Be humble

The oak does not do pride. It is the biggest tree in the five hundred acres, but it is not haughty, neither does not celebrate its place with pomp and ceremony, it does not look down on the young saplings neither does it scoff at the summer flower that lasts only one season whilst it thrives for hundreds of years. It knows that in the vast eco structure, each plays it part, and none more so than any other.

The moment you lose your humility and allow yourself to think that your life is more important suddenly than another's, because you have accrued wealth, or inherited (or earned) privilege or status you are lost. The moment you become haughty because you think you know more, or you think you have more, or you believe that you are more and (only you) follow the righteous path, you are again lost.

If you are given status, know that it is on loan, and given only in order for you to better serve. If you are privileged, know that it is a temporary position, awarded only so that you can become the steward for more people. And if you have been gifted wealth, know that you are only the caretaker, and it is proffered so that you can care take for those who cannot take care of themselves.

Eschew comfort

The tree does not cling to its comfort. It understands that nothing grows in clement conditions and that pain accompanies every burst of new life. And so it welcomes the rain, the rain feeds it. And it greets the wind gladly, the wind tempers it, and it lauds the scorching sun and like a returning king, because without the sun it could not exist.

It integrates this benevolent triumvirate into its leaves, its branches, its trunk and its roots. The tree is a master of alchemy; it can turn all things, however inclement into gold.

Do not seek comfort. Comfort kills sooner than cyanide. Do not look for growth in comfortable places; in the business of being a person or in the business of life, comfortable places are the breeding ground for disease and death. And remember, if you encourage a broad perspective, everything good bad or indifferent can be turned into profit.

Nothing Dies

Even the great oak will eventually follow it autumn leaves and fall. But it will not die. It cannot die, nothing can. It will simply sink into the green earth and become sustenance for the seeds it scattered in previous seasons.

Science confirms that nothing can die, it can only transform. So when this dream ends we will be re-born into a new dream, one we prepared earlier (in the current life span) with our karmic actions. If we want to next dream to be great it is important that we plant the seeds for greatness now with our actions.

Everything is everything

The best tree spends its entire existence serving, because it knows that to serve others it to serve itself. But the tree looks after its own corner of the world. It does not worry itself unduly about life and death in the opposite field, in the forest across the water or the trees in countries beyond its own shores.

If it allowed itself to think about the whole world, it would start to feel inadequate and separate and ineffectual. What this tree has learned and what it tree knows was this: it is rooted into the ground and its branches stretch high into the sky.

It is part of the planet, like we are all part of the planet, and whilst it might seem to be separate on the surface like islands in a sea, underneath, in the great deep they (we) are all connected to everything else. We are everything else. So to serve one forest it serves all forests. When it processes its gold through the leaves it sends its contribution into the great quantum soup.

Sometimes we feel as though there is so much to do in the world that what ever we do as individuals, it will never be enough. But in truth, whatever you do will be enough.

You are enough.

Be well.

Geoff Thompson
Bafta Winning Writer, Teacher, Martial Artist

megalopolis

if you see me, keep on walking

don't plead, please, you're too good at talking

but your words don't hold weight, they're just the things you say when

you're looking for entertainment

if you hear this, turn it low

don't try to resist, just go

i don't believe it but i know

she's getting in the way

you're never one to stay

home

i don't reach for you when i wake anymore

i can't breathe for you, these lungs are so sore

and i won't bleed for you, that's what your veins are for

she's more

suited than i am

she'll make you a better man

so go

home

it seems funny to me that i wrote this about someone hurting me, and that i managed to hurt someone/destroy a close friendship in the process of moving on from that pain. argh, people - why aren't we less ignorant and more careful?

you'll probably never see this, but just in case you do -- i'm so sorry i wasn't more careful. i'm sorry i was so naive. i'm sorry i couldn't be who you wanted me to be, for you. and i'm really sorry because our band would have been incredible. thank you for your contributions to my life - i wouldn't be the same without knowing you.

sleep is, indeed, for the weak

because that's precisely where no sleep gets you! And, as I've recently come to find out, no time to rest or relax has basically the same effect.

I desperately wanted so many things for my children. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, growing up well-adjusted and intelligent and considerate and polite and the list just goes on... I am realizing, rather sadly, that Nevaeh is too much of a pompous douche to allow for any of what I'd hoped. What a fucking jerk.

I've been trying to put Nevaeh on a "gentle" sleep schedule - one that does not involve leaving your baby to "cry it out," as I've never been a fan of any sleep trainer using that method. BUT SERIOUSLY?! Tomorrow, tomorrow (I always say tomorrow). But tomorrow, Nevaeh is going to start crying it out at naptime. If she doesn't show marked improvement in 5 days, fuck it, we'll try another way - but something's gotta give here.

It's 3:17pm. I haven't been able to shower, brush my teeth, or do much of anything other than take care of a cranky baby who refuses to nap. Now, this is fairly commonplace when one has a young baby...but Nevaeh is five months old!! You'd think I'd be allowed some semblance of my life back at this point -- even merely the basic NECESSITIES, for goodness' sake!

Okay life - I am all up for grabbing you by the horns, and, dammit, ENJOYING you before I keel over in utter exhaustion and dissatisfaction from mothering this demanding, bratty, all-too-intelligently-manipulative child. Maybe I just need a nanny and two bottles of wine.

everything is looking up up up

man, i can't get enough of being a mother lately. i barely remember feeling like i was falling apart - and that was only last week!

thanks, nevaeh, for being awesome and cheering up and sleeping a little sometimes, yeah? and micah for endless enthusiasm and reminding me to just relax, take it slow, and to always make time to be silly.

et fin.

autYUMn.

baby is cutely making gurgles and squeals beside me and i am

oh

so much

better.

i am the proud owner of a new bike! well, an old bike, but new to me - just in time, before the leaves lose all their crunch and the streets are too slick for cycling..! many thanks to my lover, for working two extra hours so i could purchase said bicycle.

baby's cute sounds are quickly giving way to impatient moans + groans, telling me i'd better wrap this up. argh.

i just wanted to say how much i love autumn. the air gets all crisp and fresh, no one wants iced coffees except crazy people, and pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin -- you can wear scarves and toques and mittens with no coats and it's kind of fun to kiss with cold noses!

this winter, i WILL perfect my hot chocolate recipe...i think all it needs is a bit of liquor, a fireplace and some good company. interested?

x.

when i get up

so do you,

oh.

colour moving and still

Autumn is my favourite season - the wind trades breezy for brisk, the leaves shed their green skins in favour of flame-tipped ones, and the scarves and mittens that spent the summer tucked away in a closet somewhere can finally come out to frolic. I wish I had a bike, or that some jerk hadn't stolen my old one, because there's nearly nothing more lovely than listening to the leaves crunch underneath your tires as the wind ruffles your hair, and rosy-reddens your cheeks and nose.

For whatever reason, I haven't been enjoying autumn as much as I usually do. I've been fighting off panic attacks for about a week now - they begin with a sensation of my throat closing off, and ramp up from there. I'm not sure what's bringing them on, but maybe it's a sign that I need to slow down. Calm down. Relax.

Obviously more easily said than done, with a four month old and five year old underfoot...but I should really make an effort to be more present. I could stand to play more, without worrying about the dishes left dirty in the sink, or the box that still needs to be unpacked. I guess I could cut myself some slack.

I think this pregnancy/birth/motherhood thing has thrown me for much more of a loop than the first time around. I'm having a hard time feeling like myself these days. I don't identify with any of my belongings, and looking in the mirror always leaves me feeling...strange. I feel like I don't recognize the person standing before me, and not just because I've cut off my hair and I regret it, or because I don't like any of my clothes - and it's not even because I feel insecure about my postpartum body - I just don't know who that is anymore. What is "me?" What is "me" other than mum/wife/butreallymostlymumcausedoievenhavetimetobeawife? I just feel so empty, so depleted, and not sure how to fill the tank, or at what cost.

I see all these other mums everywhere, seemingly having a great time with their happy, easygoing babies that love to nurse and sleep. I am envious. I am starving for that feeling. But that's a hunger never to be sated - two children that have refused to nurse, what's wrong? What's wrong with me? I can't stop feeling guilty of failure - except when I'm pretending I'm fine.

Maybe I'm just shedding my own "green skin" -- in favour of donning a more mature, sunset-hued, age appropriate dress (I am 25 now, after all).

there's no way to temper your thirst/with lasting impressions or pictures of home/there's no way to grow that don't hurt

struggle, struggle, struggle - grow.

i feel like a plant that's furiously trying to shrink back into its seedpod. the goosebumps don't go - it's too cold.

i love everything about autumn except living in a condo that doesn't have a functional heater. thank god we're moving soon.

it was time to bring the plants in last night...seems silly to give them designated spaces when we're just going to be packing up in a few days. then again, seems unfair to lump them all in a corner...plants have feelings, too.

down memory lane...

i recently found an old journal of mine from right before and right after micah was born - just before i got too busy to keep up with it. i've been playing guitar when i can find the time, and i remembered a song i wrote for micah when i was 19, a few months prior to the day he made his way into our world. as he gazes lovingly across the table at me while he eats his breakfast, i'm filled up with this weighty, heady buzz - so thankful he chose me to be his mother. what a great little guy.

lullaby (micah's song)

i'm not a very good baker

and i won't make a very good mother

funny how these things turn out

funny how life turns you out

and i was never a very good actor

and yes i worry

if you will find me attractive

and i wonder have i lived my life to be everything

that your perfection deserves to find in me

la la la la la la la lullaby

la la la la la

and i wonder if i am good enough

and i wonder will you know that you were loved

i've always been just a little too selfish

and now i wonder can i find myself selfless

i find i worry that i'm not fine by you

i find as time goes

i'm defined by you

la la la la la la la lullaby

la la la la la

and i wonder if i am good enough

and i wonder will you know that you were loved

never doubt that you are love

never doubt that you are love

never doubt, never doubt, never never never never never never never never

never doubt, never doubt what you are

wide awake and.

Big dreams on no sleep.

The definition of "big dreams" has changed many times in my life, but now it seems to apply best to things like taking a shower, having a nap, eating a meal before it gets cold... Sex? Yeah, right. Maybe when I can find the time to shave my legs! Maybe when the baby's 18 and out of the house. Maybe.

But really? I've never been good at taking breaks. Relaxing. Doing nothing. So now when things are at a snail's pace, I'm learning how to take it slow. And I'm finding that I really enjoy it. It's much easier to be present for each moment and its many subtle nuances this way.

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Nevaeh will be four weeks on Thursday, and Micah will be five years old in August. Where has the time gone? This realization makes me feel like I'm choking, gasping for air, trying to stop time that's elusively slipping through my fingers as I'm clutching my children to my chest. Oddly enough, I don't feel like I'm personally aging - just like my babies are growing up. September brings a quarter of a century for me...and I just feel proud to have made such a solid foundation for a good life by 25. I probably still learn my lessons just as messily, but now there are two of us to clean it all up.

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It turns out Nevaeh is hating on something in my diet - first to go, anything in the realm of dairy. I'm not heartbroken over the absence of milk (though I was enjoying the organic stuff we'd been purchasing for the last little while), but cheese? Yogurt? Not to mention FROZEN YOGURT?! And what about the whey protein shake I've been consuming nearly every morning for the past three or four years? Dammit. I despise vegan proteins. The taste, the texture...ugh.

So I ate some turkey.

And then I ate some more.

And I liked it.

There goes seven years of vegetarianism. Not that I intend to flood my diet with animal flesh - no. But every once in awhile, I think I'd like to eat some fish or white meat that has been sourced locally, or under the best possible conditions. I still don't agree with the idea that something has had to die in order for me to consume it, so it's strange to eat and feel conflicted... perhaps once I'm done breastfeeding I'll go back to total vegetarianism, but right now I'm more starving than I've ever been in my entire life. Animal protein fills me up the way nothing else seems to. And I'm okay with that.

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Body body body body body - my belly has fallen right off and my breasts have exploded. I miss having smallish boobs; none of my favourite dresses fit properly. Damn damn damn. But I love breastfeeding. I love the way she looks at me when we're connected like that. So I guess I can postpone donning the dresses I was looking so forward to wearing this summer. At least I can fit into my old jeans no problemo!

The absence of belly (so soon!) results in mixed feelings for Mama. Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy she's out! It's just so strange to feel my belly and meet emptiness. Not even muscles - it's another two weeks before I'm "allowed" to work out even gently... I'm looking forward to rebuilding my core - my posture sucks and carrying the baby around all day is sure to lead to an early death. Of my spine, at least.

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Micah's bedtime. See ya!

come into the light.