Big dreams on no sleep.
The definition of "big dreams" has changed many times in my life, but now it seems to apply best to things like taking a shower, having a nap, eating a meal before it gets cold... Sex? Yeah, right. Maybe when I can find the time to shave my legs! Maybe when the baby's 18 and out of the house. Maybe.
But really? I've never been good at taking breaks. Relaxing. Doing nothing. So now when things are at a snail's pace, I'm learning how to take it slow. And I'm finding that I really enjoy it. It's much easier to be present for each moment and its many subtle nuances this way.
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Nevaeh will be four weeks on Thursday, and Micah will be five years old in August. Where has the time gone? This realization makes me feel like I'm choking, gasping for air, trying to stop time that's elusively slipping through my fingers as I'm clutching my children to my chest. Oddly enough, I don't feel like I'm personally aging - just like my babies are growing up. September brings a quarter of a century for me...and I just feel proud to have made such a solid foundation for a good life by 25. I probably still learn my lessons just as messily, but now there are two of us to clean it all up.
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It turns out Nevaeh is hating on something in my diet - first to go, anything in the realm of dairy. I'm not heartbroken over the absence of milk (though I was enjoying the organic stuff we'd been purchasing for the last little while), but cheese? Yogurt? Not to mention FROZEN YOGURT?! And what about the whey protein shake I've been consuming nearly every morning for the past three or four years? Dammit. I despise vegan proteins. The taste, the texture...ugh.
So I ate some turkey.
And then I ate some more.
And I liked it.
There goes seven years of vegetarianism. Not that I intend to flood my diet with animal flesh - no. But every once in awhile, I think I'd like to eat some fish or white meat that has been sourced locally, or under the best possible conditions. I still don't agree with the idea that something has had to die in order for me to consume it, so it's strange to eat and feel conflicted... perhaps once I'm done breastfeeding I'll go back to total vegetarianism, but right now I'm more starving than I've ever been in my entire life. Animal protein fills me up the way nothing else seems to. And I'm okay with that.
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Body body body body body - my belly has fallen right off and my breasts have exploded. I miss having smallish boobs; none of my favourite dresses fit properly. Damn damn damn. But I love breastfeeding. I love the way she looks at me when we're connected like that. So I guess I can postpone donning the dresses I was looking so forward to wearing this summer. At least I can fit into my old jeans no problemo!
The absence of belly (so soon!) results in mixed feelings for Mama. Don't get me wrong -- I'm happy she's out! It's just so strange to feel my belly and meet emptiness. Not even muscles - it's another two weeks before I'm "allowed" to work out even gently... I'm looking forward to rebuilding my core - my posture sucks and carrying the baby around all day is sure to lead to an early death. Of my spine, at least.
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Micah's bedtime. See ya!
